Symphony in 0010010

1.8 steps back

I’m not exactly sure where I went wrong. Which means I went wrong in NOT TRACKING… dur hur hur. So, guess what I’m going to do this week? That’s right, ladies and gentlement. Track.

It really does work. And I know it does work. So why don’t I? The same reason I never did my homework. It’s work my hubris doesn’t feel is necessary. I know what to do, so I don’t have to do the work! Because, you know this is logical and productive. Uh huh. No, really.

So, I need to change this bad, bad, bad habit of mine. I’m horrible about ‘busy’ work. And the novelty has worn off. But this week was plain and clear a point in the direction that I HAVE to do the busy work. And you know why? Because I can’t hold a thought in my head. How the fuck am I going to keep track of an entire week’s worth of points when I can’t keep track of a day’s worth of work. Uh huh. Lame.

So, I’m sad. I’m mad at myself, I’m frustrated that I can’t tell I’ve lost anything (when obviously the objective scale still says I have.) It’s the first tough spot. Yup, great Beak. That’s fine and good, so what are you going to do about it? Give up like the pussy girl you are, and bemoan your station in life some more? Gonna quit again? Gonna throw in the towel because *whine* it’s haaard woooork. Suck it up, woman. And do it.

Beak no longer tries to lose weight. Beak loses weight.

So I need to go back to what was working — cooking a ton of stuff and freezing/cooling and making sure I have a plan. Yes, I’m working long stupid hours lately. It’s no longer an excuse. It’s got to happen.

And man, do I need to get more sleep, yo.

This Week: +1.8

Total Loss: 9.6

Current Weight: 283.0

Double Digits

It’s amazing how good double digits can feel. It’s a simple thing, two numbers side by side, but it becomes an advent of amazing things.

We live our lives almost solely in double digits, except for ten short years, and perhaps a few for the blessed elders. Our healthy temperature is a double digit, and we are ill when we go above that. So much of our life is defined by a double digit.

This week I did pretty damned poorly in keeping track of my points, but I did better in guesstimating. This is not a good habit to get into. I also need to go shopping and that is proving to be a bit of an issue. I am treating myself tonight and I will take the points for this tasty sandwich and chips from B&N and then work on being good the rest of the night. I did NOT go to KFC like I was sorely tempted to. The moment passed and I came right here. Yum. It was good too.

I have been having a better month than I have had in a very long time. My moments of malaise last moments, not weeks. I have wonderful friends who make that ultimately possible. I could not do this without them. No matter how much inner strength one has, there is no comparison to having someone to help pick you up.

Current Weight: 281.6

Last week’s loss: 2.6

Total lost: 11.2

Amazing

I’m very happy right now. I am not bouncing off the walls, I am not screaming my victory to the world. Tonight is a subdued night, a night to reflect, a night to be thankful for the loving people in my life. There is no reason, no observance to maintain solemnity, but merely the internal joy glowing, rather than burning.

On one hand, it seems overwhelming still, how far I have to go. But then I look at the shape of my body. The subtle changes I know, can see. The place I will be one day seems more tangible, as the weight that hides it grows less and less. I’ve not dropped a dress size, but that too will come. Right now, I just know this skirt I wore today fits me better, more like it should. One day, I’ll get rid of it because it’s a tent.

I think some of the key things to this week of amazement are just common sense. Cooking my own food, so I know exactly what is in it helps significantly. Doling out portions ahead of time. Taking the time to make good choices instead of compulsive eating. It’s all little things, but they add up. In significant ways.

It also helps to touch on some other aspects too. I’m starting to explore my spirituality again, which feels good. Very good. I am thinking of myself as a whole person, just focusing on parts. I am recognizing the issues I have.

Current Weight: 284.2

Lost this week: 5.4

Total lost: 8.6

First Stumble, But I shall not Fall

So, I knew it wasn’t going to be everything I hoped for. I knew I fucked up pretty well and good this weekend. I didn’t pay attention to my eating at ALL and, therefore, kept… eating…

So I’m up almost a pound. I’m still down over all, but it’s not even the holidays. Screwed up. But getting back on the horse is going to be just fine. I’m not trying anymore, remember? I’m doing. So I’m not going to try to do better. I’m going to do better.

I know what triggered it too. An intensely emotional therapy session with my therapist. Threw me totally off. Hit on things even I wasn’t prepared for, and I still feel off kilter for it. Great excuse, but picking myself up is the only way to go. Food cannot have this power over me anymore.

I’m a little morose tonight, but it’s not going to rule me. Even if I did waste my left over daily points on a McChicken. But it was tasty. No more of that either. NO MORE.

Good choices:

• Going tonight, even though I knew it would be bad.
• Making a fantabulous meal that will last me a couple days.
• Shopping.

Bad Choices

• Pretty much everything I put in my mouth over the weekend. (Heyo! Not really )
• A McChicken tonight.

Current Weight: 289.6

Weight Lost: 3.2

I Never Loved Losing So Much

I never loved being less of a person so completely.

It’s not a huge amount, but what it means is infinite. I’ve accomplished something. Something I started, something I struggle with. I took a leap and found solid ground beneath me.

But in the end, I will soar.

I had a pretty lousy week, so I was hoping for 2lbs. I mean, I had two pizza days. I had a few days of just not completing the tracker and guesstimating. Pizza is horribly bad points wise, did y’all know that? Man. But it was tasty. And it’s ok that it was tasty! I could eat it, and work within my points and succeed. It’s so wonderful to know that I don’t have to give it all up. I just have to give up the gorging. Gorging != Gorgeous. And I am going for Goddess, ladies and gentlemen. Beware Beak, the Infinite and Gracious. My sex appeal will know no bounds.

It’s funny. I was raging today again, at my co-worker, and it had been a while since I felt that much rage. And four little pounds took it all away from me. It was delicious. Exquisite. And I’m weepy because I’m emotional, so step off.

Fuck the world,  here I come.

Good Choices:

• Not giving up!
• Eating vegetables today. I’ve been bad about them.
• Walking, even though I ache terribly.

Bad Choices:

• Not preparing full meals
• Raging
• Being a slacker on my tracker. (Oh yes, I love this phrase now)

Current weight: 288.8

Total Loss: 4!!!!!!!

When Last We Left Our Heroine…

First, I’ll repost what I posted on my LiveJournal:

I’m sitting in the parking lot, staring at the Weight Watchers place, trying not to have an anxiety attack. It’s dumb since everyone is there for the same reason.

But I’m more scared this may be it. This may be the end, the beginning, the fulfillment of everything I’ve known to be true… That I am not meant to be fat. That I’m just suffocating the beautiful woman within.

And I’m terrified. But I’m here. I will get out of this car. I will cross the lot. I will walk in those doors. I will stay. I will listen, even if I do not speak. But I will cross that threshhold and scream within my mind and heart, “Fuck the bitch I was. Embrace this goddess I am.” Then I will leave and cry, but hey… That is pretty fucking ok.

So, I went to a meeting.

I did not cry. Close, but I did not in the end. But man, holy perky overload.

How do I feel? Pretty damned good, actually. I weighed in (surprising me, actually. I was 20lbs less than I estimated myself being. I’ll take a 20lbs loss in 3 days ) I read stuff I already knew, but somehow, being in that room… with the hyperactive leader. It was good. It was very good.

I have a headache because I was so overwhelmed though, but that’s all right. I’ll relax someday. Some cute girl sat next to me. That was nice. It was mostly older women, a couple older men, but really… none of that truly mattered. We were all there for the same reason. I was significantly out of my element though. Discomfort level was HIGH. I should have stayed to ask if I could try out other meetings. But I was kind of told I could… I can go to any meeting anywhere in the world. Huh.

The leader we had though… she has helped people lose more than 100lbs. That’s pretty encouraging. Since I’m looking at more than 100lbs at this point. She needs to lay off the caffeine. Or the crack. But… the cool thing was… she had a ‘Before’ picture. And she’s lost a lot of weight. 82lbs. She told us about how she had like 5 miscarriages, lots of failed pregnancies… and then she lost the weight and now she has 3 kids. She’s… fearless. She put herself out there, at a mile a minute, but without pause.

It makes me wonder what I would say, if I were her. I told my therapist I wanted to be someone that inspired people. I wonder if I could inspire people like that…

Cart before the horse, Beak. Cart before the horse.

First thing is first.

Good Choices Today:

• Not getting Starbucks while I sit here ant Barnes & Nobles. I could if I wanted, and I do want, but I don’t need.
• GOING TO THE MEETING. I was going to wait until tomorrow. But I felt compelled, in a strong, undeniable compulsion. So I went. Despite the anxiety.
• Diet soda. I’m not hating it more every day.

Bad Choices:

• Getting extra pasta at lunch. Didn’t need it. At all.
• Not bringing a snack between breakfast and lunch. I was HUNGRY. Led to my previous bad choice.

Starting Weight: 292.8

Random Musings

So far so good. The points thing would be a lot harder without my crackberry, that’s for sure. I love the WW mobile site, and checked things while I shopped. I tried to cut out soda, and was MISERABLE. Caffeine addiction will wait. However, I am finding that I am all right with Cherry Coke Zero. One day I might actually say I like it. But, it’ll do for now.

Things keep surprising me. Saltines are horrible for points. I don’t know why this shocked me. Granola too, though I can see that more. It definitely killed my desire to try and make homemade granola, that’s for sure. Potatoes are actually all right, you just can’t put the crap on it. This also makes sense to me. So I’m looking for a variety of things to put on potatoes instead of butter. Leah suggested non-fat sour cream. This I will try, with fresh chives. I’ll be I could do things like fat free ranch dressing too. I love potatoes and will have to experiment.

What WW does, more than anything, is makes me look at what I’m eating. It makes me make it a conscious activity, instead of the mindless, random intake that I have done my whole life. If I think about what I’m taking in, I really do make better choices. Even before I made the choice to join WW, I stopped eating the Angus Burgers from McDonalds, because I /knew/ I was eating something so disgusting for my health, I couldn’t do it any more. So I just have to make conscious choices about what I eat.

But let me tell you, I can’t wait until I can stop making food the center of my world. I think about food, what I’ll eat, when I’ll eat, what sounds good, when the next meal is, more than I think about my other addictions. Food rules me, and it rules me still. But one day, it won’t. That will be an awesome day.

Recent Good Choices:

• Not putting butter on my small potato for lunch. (I do need better alternatives though. Wasn’t happy)
• Ignoring my bored eating compulsion last night.
• Controlling portions, without rationalizing.
• Keeping up with my points tracking!

Recent Bad Choices:

• Snack Wraps from McDonalds yesterday (But I was MUCH better during the day and only ended up with 0.5 over.
• Butter, cheese on my potato last night. (not a HORRIBLE thing, but I can do better.)
• Putting off cooking for the week. I just DON’T feel like it. But we’ll see if I make the better choice in a little bit.

It’s not a journey, it’s something else.

What is it? No idea. Helpful, right?

I joined Weight Watchers today, and I’m starting the <insert metaphor here> into weight loss for real this time. It’s real this time, because I’ve figured out that things come easily to me, and when they don’t, I avoid them. Duh, right? But anyway, I’m starting it and I’m going to muse and record here on this blog. It’ll be painfully honest with weight and food and such. But, I’m almost 32 years old. I think I’m over being anything but realistic.

My goal is to start with meetings on Tuesday, but I’ll use the WW website to start out. I’ve tried to make mostly good choices today, but I made some really bad ones.

So it’s not a journey. Maybe a job? Maybe a change, maybe… I’m willing to take ideas on what to call this.

Good choices:

• Turkey wrap on a wheat wrap instead of a turkey club with bacon on white.
• No chips for lunch, but a banana and a cup of soup (debating whether the soup was a good choice)
• No soda.
• Walked 2 laps around the building.

Bad Choices:

• French fries as a snack this evening
• Sausage, Egg and Cheese Bagel for Breakfast

A Game of Thrones

So, for anyone that knows me, they know I’m a fan of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series, with the first book being A Game of Thrones.

Recently, HBO has announced casting for the pilot of the series it will make of these books. I have not stopped bouncing around all giddy and freaking out with glee. Seriously, this is thrilling!

So Sean Bean will be Eddard Stark, probably one of the most amazing characters I’ve read, and the basis for so much of the series’ plot. Sean Bean. Boromir. THE FREAKING MAN. I am excited. Casting professionals are genius. I’m so not good at visualizing people in roles, until they’re like, set in stone. he’ll be incredible.

I hope all the kids will be as good as Sean Bean. I have great faith after the castings of Tyrion and Ned that this series will be exquisite.

Consider this

Someone comes  your house and says that John is going to live there. He needs help, and you have no choice. You will take care of him until he can get on his feet. There is no say, it just happens.

Well you’re a compassionate person, this is somewhat abrupt, but you can handle it. You welcome John into your home and pay for his food, his clothing, his cable, his training at different jobs. You are doing a good thing.

But then John doesn’t get a job. He doesn’t make any money. He makes a mess of your house, doesn’t help. He’s rude, he’s obnoxious. Slowly your resolve wears thin. Should you get a job, John? Shouldn’t you work so you can find a place on your own? Why, says John. You take care of everything for me. But John, you were only supposed to stay here, until you could get back on your feet. But, says John, why should I bother?

You go back to the person that demanded that John live with you. Tough, they say. John has a hard life. He was born in the wrong part of town. He never learned any better. But he’s not even trying, you cry out. So what? It’s his right to live off of your hard earned money. Why should he bother? I want him gone, you demand. Tough, they say. You have money. Your job is to take care of John.

That, my friends, is the problem with Welfare.

The Johns. Cut them out, and I’ll have no problem with the government saying that I have to help out this person with my tax dollars. Get rid of them, make them work when they’re healthy and capable, and I won’t care. And believe me, I have seen with my own eyes the waste and the people that take advantage of the system.